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Congresswoman Lee Introduces “No More Ghost Money Act” Washington, D.C.— Today, Congresswoman Barbara Lee (D-CA) introduced the No More Ghost Money Act of 2013. The bill would prohibit illegal payments to foreign officials and would require a report to Congress on payments made by the CIA to employees, officers, and elected officials to foreign entities. Read the Full Story
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An Answer to Unemployment: A Jobs-for-All Bill | Commentary Act would boost employment now for the many who need it, eliminate residual joblessness even in times of prosperity It has been five years since the financial crisis struck, and progress in putting the unemployed back to work still lags, with no end in sight. Read the Full Story
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Child poverty is the real scandal Washington is descending into another silly season. Let’s end this diversion of dust and smoke as partisans hype mock “scandals” for political profit. Read the Full Story
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Pentagon officials ask Congress to shift $9.6B The Pentagon wants Congress to shift $9.6 billion of this year’s Defense Department budget toward expenses for the Afghanistan war, transportation and other items. Read the Full Story
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No Koch News: A Movement to Unsubscribe After years of mismanagement, the Tribune Company newspapers -- including the Chicago Tribune and L.A. Times -- are up for sale.  And one of the potential buyers? The Koch brothers.  And wow are people outraged! Read the Full Story
Video: Pentagon Accused of 'Rewriting Constitution' to Wage Endless War in Senate Hearing Pentagon officials today claimed President Obama and future presidents have the power to send troops anywhere in the world to fight groups linked to al-Qaeda, based in part on the Authorization for Use of Military Force (AUMF), passed by Congress days after the attacks on Sept. 11, 2001. Read the Full Story
image Congresswoman Lee Introduces “No More Ghost Money Act”
image Reject pipeline's jobs pipe dreams
image An Answer to Unemployment: A Jobs-for-All Bill | Commentary
image How America Became a Third World Country
image Child poverty is the real scandal
image Inoculating Our Children Against Fear and Hatred
image Pentagon officials ask Congress to shift $9.6B
image Syria: the threats, costs, claims and lives
image Pentagon Said to Seek $80 Billion for War Amid Withdrawal
image Jerry Brown: California’s Mystery Man
image No Koch News: A Movement to Unsubscribe
image Video: Pentagon Accused of 'Rewriting Constitution' to Wage Endless War in Senate Hearing
Friday, 27 July 2012 15:34

I Won't Close the Lemonade Stands

Written by  Alan Grayson
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I Won't Close the Lemonade Stands

One of my opponents has a new ad, claiming that I will shut down all children's lemonade stands. 

Seriously. 

He says that I won't be acting alone, of course. I will do it in concert with my "progressive cronies" - the actual term in the ad. Presumably in return for corporate PAC contributions from Big Lemon. 

My opponent also claims that my "progressive cronies" and I will make gasoline so expensive (specifically, $10 a gallon) that people will "stop traveling to Florida" - again, an actual quote from his ad. So Disney World will have to change its name to Ghost Town, I guess. 

And, finally, my opponent says that people will no longer go hunting - the horror!! - because my "progressive cronies" and I will "outlaw guns and ammunition." I have to concede the logic of the latter part of that. What would be the point of outlawing guns, but not ammunition? Wouldn't it be really frustrating, having all that ammunition around, and not being able to shoot at anything? 

Remarkably, my opponent says that I will accomplish all of this during 2013. Clearly, it will be a busy year. 

I would like to assure my opponent, and all other right-wing paranoid crackpots, that I will neither eliminate children's lemonade stands, nor triple the price of gasoline, nor outlaw guns and ammunition. If I have a secret plan to do any of those things, it's so secret that even I don't know about it. It's like I'm the Manchurian Candidate, or something. 

And while we're on the subject, I would like to inform my opponent that there are a few more things that neither I nor my "progressive cronies" intend to do: 

(1) Make abortions mandatory.

(2) Socialize the means of production.

(3) Outlaw heterosexual intercourse.

(4) Tax breathing, or urination.

(5) Take away his velvet painting of dogs playing poker.

(6) Nationalize his underwear.

(7) Fill the sky with black helicopters.

(8) Remove the tin foil from his skull.

One more thing that I promise we won't do: we won't prevent imbeciles from throwing their hats into the ring. So my opponent can run for President in 2016, when Barack Obama is finishing his second term. 

Are we clear on that? Good. Now let's get back to discussing the things that my opponent is so desperate not to talk about: Jobs, healthcare, homes and education. What's that? He has nothing to say? That's what I thought. 

If you are sick and tired of wretched right-wingers hijacking public discourse with their stupid nonsense, raise your hand. Then lower your hand, and click "CONTRIBUTE."

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Published in Alan Grayson
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